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Paralyzed (part II)

I’m not sure I’ve met a life challenge of this caliber” (quote from previous post)

I am out of the dark at this point, just a little cloudy here and there. I read my previous post so I could complete it with part II.  It seems when you write down what you feel or your experiences, you can see much clearer re-reading what you expressed. Quite frankly it was a pretty lousy post for anyone reading it but me! HA! Choppy and bouncy…jumpy and confusing…which is what state I was in, so for me it made sense!

I can’t blog as much as I would like to. Mostly because I can’t find enough time to sit in peace and tap out some semblance of literary sense and partly because I enjoy reading my DOC buddies blogs every night…and by the time I’m done reading everyone else’s…well “it’s” been said!

So with the passing of a little too much time in between the two blogs, here is the closing to Paralyzed…

I have, since Paralyzed (part I), made some pretty major decisions regarding my abilities, my tolerances, my families priorities, and our needs as a family. First and foremost, I am quitting my job. This was initially decided out of desperation that fateful morning that I tore out of the driveway at 6:40am in a rage (like maniac rage) leaving behind a very confused husband (who I verbally accosted) and my little girl…in a panic and frantic due to pump site pain. Having to leave my little girl with the look of fear and desperation for me to fix her pain so that I could avoid getting written up or fired at work was not a position that I ever wanted to be in again. It’s not fair, and not like “life’s not fair”, like it’s NOT acceptable FAIR that I cannot tend to my children in an extreme situation (to her it was extreme whether it really was or not) because I have already over stretched boundaries for the other situations that have come up since D Day, January 19th, 2010. My boss has been an amazing individual over the last year. His compassion was extended to me without me even asking…but there is a limit to his ability to protect me and my job from the corporate expectation of DEDICATED WORK!!! I have met that boundary. I am unable to dedicate my mind, time and care to my position at work anymore. So I have given notice to leave at the end of the year. Financially, this will be a bit interesting at the least, and crippling at worst…but necessary none the less. I have however, come up with an income alternative…Daycare! Yes, in home daycare. At the moment my mother takes care of my children during the day. She and I will now join forces and take in a few extra Little Peeps (Ha! Name of said daycare) and keep the ship afloat!!! I’m feeling very positive about this decision. It will free me (and my mother for that matter, alternating of course) from the 7am to 4 or 5pm commitment that requires my full attention and allow my mother and I to double team the daycare and Ellie’s diabetes management. With a small number of children she and I will be afforded more freedom for one of us to leave when necessary (doctors appointments, pre school runs, emergencies, etc). And of course I think my mom and I would make rockin’ daycare providers!

Next is the husband. I sort of do things based on my perspective of efficiency and logic. I also do things quickly (most things). This has left my husband at a bit of a loss in how to be of assistance in the day-to-day care of our family and left him out of a lot of the hands on diabetes care. He knows what to do and he knows what is going on most days. However he has unfortunately been an observer for some time now. This wasn’t because he did a duck and run…this was because at the time MY fear of the D over-road anyone else’s needs or consideration. We have now reached a plateau of sorts…My fear has reduced to a more reasonable level and my abilities have been determined, through trial and error…I no longer can bear the load of life with D, a 4-year-old (D aside), a 1-year-old, a couple of step-daughters, the x-wife, parents, in-laws and for the moment a full-time job without some serious assistance!!! Duh??? Ya, I know…but as you all know…when D enters your life, you do things that make no sense and you do it with the same panic and focus that comes with war! Hind sight is 20/20 and though we did exactly what we “could” at the time and we did it with some semblance of grace…I definitely have overdone some aspects. We are better for the wear I think (there was a little bit of wear) he and I are actively working on some positive coming togetherness that should afford us both the relationship and sanity we deserve! All is good as they say.

Even writing this post I feel very relaxed and…well happy. D takes so much of our sense of control away. I assume any chronic condition does. It really is the boogie man in the shadows sometimes…I won’t let it beat my daughter, I will do whatever it takes to keep her as safe as I can. I promise that daily. Now I have to watch MY back, we ALL do…we have to make sure that we don’t become the collateral damage…we have to make sure that we know what the D is doing to us through our loved ones…I found myself fighting (angry fighting) an invisible, incurable, never-ending, non-tangible beast. The boogie man. I won’t win, the beast is here to stay…but I am figuring out that I must make sure that the beast doesn’t win either…I want it to be a wash, no one wins no one looses. Only then will we as a family have come out ahead…guess I shouldn’t take for granted that there are few times in life when a wash IS a like a win…

I guess I should figure out how to truly accept that this time, with this thing called diabetes all I can offer my child, my little girl, is a wash…

And THAT is the caliber of challenge I am facing…

(wish me luck, ’cause this is really, really hard)

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