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Feeling down…

I’m taking Ob/pediatrics right now in the nursing program.

Monday, we had a lecture about diabetes and pregnancy…and I have to admit, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed ever since.

The speaker was one of my favorite teachers, a fellow Type 1 diabetic. Her story is one filled with struggles. She told us that even though she was well controlled during her pregnancy, she had four miscarraiges…all past the third trimester.

My other teacher went on to say that diabetic women have one or two miscarraiges before they are able to keep a baby….and all red in the face while classmates stole glances my way, I just kept thinking of my friends in the DOC, Kerri, Layne and Meghan, who’ve done it and had beautiful and healthy babies. I sat and thought of my friend Brooke, who is pregnant right now, and things are going fantastically. I hope that is the case for me.

Being a student I have no  idea what the facts are about diabetes and pregnancy nowadays. I’ve started reading the book Balancing Pregnancy with Pre-exisiting Diabetes by Cheryl Alkon…more proof that diabetics can have healthy and happy babies.

But, even though I read “Diabetics have healthy babies all the time” more times than I can count…the thought still lingers in the back of my head: What if I’m not one of those diabetics? I mean, there has to be a reason all these nurses and medical people keep telling us the horror stories…I’m so scared I am going to be one of them.

I don’t know…maybe this is all just pre-conception freak out. I thought this class would help me understand things better, but instead its filling me with fear and doubt. Sorry for the downer post. But I’ve been laying in bed the last two days with tons of thoughts spinning in my head, knowing I want this baby more than anything, but scared of letting anything happen to it.

I know I’ll work harder than ever to keep that baby healthy…hell, I’m working harder than ever right now, just to get my A1C to a nice solid number for that baby.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my friends did it, and so can I.

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