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DBlog Week: Post 7) What We’ve Learned

What we’ve learned – Sunday 5/15: Last year, Wendy of Candy Hearts made a suggestion for this year.  She commented “I think Day 7 should be a post about stuff we’ve learned from other blogs or the experience of coming together online…”  Today, let’s do just that!!  What have you learned from other blogs – either this week or since finding the D-OC?  What has your experience of blogging the DBlog Week topics with other participants been like?  What has finding the D-OC done for you?  If you’d like, you can even look ahead and tell us what you think the future holds!

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Today, May 15th 2011, marks 26 years living with Type 1 Diabetes. 26 years. I was Very emotional about this yesterday. Last year I had plans to celebrate for the first time, ever. Family took precedence though.

Part of me was determined to celebrate Me. Take time out for just Me. Do something just for Me. I struggled because of the “me” part and Mom had to endure the crying. Thanks for understanding, Mom.

What had me So emotional? NO breaks. Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Twenty six years and not one break. I’m tired. Tired of trying and Not succeeding. I’m tired of hitting a wall. I’m tired of finding no break by not having a consistent, stable life. I’m tired of feeling like nothing will ever work out. I’m tired.

Through all that Mom got me to get up and get going. She picked me up for a dinner with some of my Church Family for Ladies Night Out. Before we ordered dinner she announced that we needed to celebrate Me. She said, “Raise your glass to Crystal living with Diabetes for twenty six years.”
The woman next to me did not hear her, I told her what she said. Her reply, “Oh.” She had a frown on her face. I almost cried. I felt defeated and unimportant. I felt useless.

I Know it was my choice to feel that way but I was already emotional. Mom tried so hard to make it special and I love her so much for that. I explained to the woman, “No no. This is Good. This is a celebration. I’ve survived a chronic condition with no breaks. I. Am. Still. Here.” Mom agreed, “We’re celebrating that she survived, she is still here and still going.”

I’m not going to tell nonPWDs about this day anymore. Two years in a row I’ve felt left on the side of the road. Last year was Totally understandable and no way am I mad at anyone, a fire happened, all that mattered was everyone was okay.

But this is how I feel. It is what it is. I don’t like it. I want ALL of it to just go away. Far, far away. I want to never discuss it again. I want to never deal with it or feel the need to explain Anything about My life and the cards I was dealt. I just want to be. Just live. Oh, Diabetes, why do you drag me down?

Honestly I was going to write today’s post positively because there is SO much that is positive about the D-OC. So Much. But I just felt so defeated yesterday. I felt selfish and stupid. I felt so very lost. Well, truly, I Feel defeated, selfish, stupid and lost. The feelings have not left yet. I have no plans to do anything really. I guess just take time out for me; no computer stuff, no phone calls, no interaction with anyone or anything – Try for tiny, humble moments of, “I Can go on…” and not have to answer to anyone about how I’m feeling or what/why I am thinking.

I do sincerely apologize for ending this Amazing week with a downer. I’m just in an odd place and writing seems to help a bit. Talking? Yeah. I’m done with that for awhile.

On a positive note though, the D-OC is Amazing. I found this community 3-1/2 years ago and knew I would never look back. Over twenty years I felt lonely and lost. The D-OC helped me realize a lot; I’m not alone. You all Do exist. I am Doing things Because of my Diabetes. And, as much as I Still struggle, I Am Worth It.

Thank you to all. This week, again, has been amazing. I’ve read so many posts yet not enough. I’ve laughed, cried and cheered along side you in our AWEsome virtual community. We have shared, we’ve been honest. We overcome, we persevere – together. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thank you, Karen, for your Brilliant idea last year. May it last forever.

Much Love to you all. Thanks for letting me be me, taking me in, caring, loving, supporting and just about everything else that is good in life.

Thank you for teaching me that who I am is okay.


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