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WTF

I know you know you know what that title means! Now my insulin needs are rocketing. I have turned my basal up to 150%. i have changed the needle. This morning I took 5U rather than 2.5u meal bolus and I still had 158 postrandial. This is not normal for me! I felt freezing and yucky in my stomach, so I MADE myself put on 2 sweaters, hat and gloves and jacket and took a REALLY FAST WALK. Maybe I should call it a run. After the exercise a feel better, but I tell you I was scared. What if I passed out on the walk. My intuition was right - exercise is the best. BG fell from 176 to 115. So I am OK now! But what the fuck is going on? How can I stop wondering? How can I stop analyzing? How can I turn off my brain?

Here is the cherry to top it all off! I get an email from my CDE after my appt last Friday, and I will quote: "The results of your bloodglucosemeter was 102 mg/dl. The value of the lab was 102 mg/dl, so your bloodglucose meter is working fine. Last HbA1c: 5.3 (previous one : 5.4 (23/03/2007). So…one conclusion : you are doing fine Chris !"

That is the end of the email.

Am I doing fine? Doesn't he think it is a bit peculiar that all insulin ratios have flown out the window? No, end of discussion! You guys, what the fuck am I suppose to do!!!!!!!!!!! I get no fucking HELP. I am so sorry, but I do not know who to turn to. You are the only ones to understand! You are the only ones who care. I AM SICK OF CARRYING THIS LOAD ALL ALONE. don't tell me to get a new doctor - none of them help. I have changed doctor a million times! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. Just face it Chrissie. I am trying to be my own doctor and I am uneducated. Originally, I was accepted into Brown University's medical program as a sophmore in high school. When I entered Brwon University 1.5 years later, since I was only a sophmore when they accepted me, I had decided that I didn't want to study medicine. I studied Russian, psychology, economics - a total smathering of different subjects! I didn't know what I wanted to do. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID me! I should have gotten a education in medicine so I could become my own doctor. Then after a year I decided to move to Sweden with my parents. First I studied Swedish so that I could study at Stockholm University. Then I studied cultural geography - which is basically meant to teach you how to make the correct decisions in an effort to alleviate or prevent societal problems. A concrete example would be - where should we build a new hospital so that it best benefits society. You learn how to make a thorough analysis - not just based on economics. I was accepted into doctorate program, but then I had Eric. I HAD to have my children as soon as possible to avoid pregnancy complication. The longer you have had D the higher were the possibilities of complications in a pregnancy. This was 1974. I had Eric very soon after graduating. The school custodian was terrified that I would have my baby at school..... And then, you guessed it, I was a Mom and did not go on to the doctorate education. Then we didn't have much money and Per had a night job beside his day job. SOOO, then I took a practical job - doing all the finance and administrative functions of my father's company that dealt with advertising. Why did I accept this? Although it really wasn't what I wanted to do, the salary was good and since it was in the family my time schedule was very flexible. My Mom babysitted. My parents were definitely TRYING to help - but I ADVISE STRONGLY AGAINST EVER WORKING IN A FAMILY BUSINESS. Let's just leave it at that. And the good salary glued me there too long! Then the day I quit all hell broke loose. Family!

What was I talking about this for? Anyhow I feel better getting my head off of this dam D!

I will stop and do a test Dam, it has gone up again! I have ZERO idea of what meal bolus to give myself. ..... I am NOT mad at my CDE. The proffesor, my diabetic doctor, does irritate me b/c he ought to take a teeny bit of active interest in his patients. My CDE is a nice guy. He has stopped lecturing me and actually listens to my opinions. He would help me if he could. I go to a very good university hospital. Deal with it Chrissie. I will "hunch" a meal bolus plus added correction bolus and eat when the bg has gone down to the 80s. See how practical I am being, how calm and collected!

Thanks for listening. Emotionally I feel better. And I am going to post this just the way I have zipped it off. Forget the spelling check. I think you will get my message without the correct spellings......

Below are the articles I saw this morning on google. They were interesting to me, all the time provoking me to wonder if they could offer some sort of explanation for WTF is going on! My head cannot turn off. I think this is BAD news!

http://www.news-medical.net/print_article.asp?id=27236
Brain chemicals norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter, and hunger

http://www.news-medical.net/print_article.asp?id=27254
Neural stem cells

http://www.innovations-report.com/html/reports/medicine_health/report-53576.html
New diabetes form Norwegian research

PS I have started drinking diet coke again, and I am hooked. I sipped it in Croatia, drank it in Brittany and now I am guzzling it again. I have NO will power. Is it only coke or also pepsi that has those phosphates that are suppose to be bad for our kidneys? Please don't forget to answer this someone!!! I could switch from Zero Coke to Pepsi Max, but I cannot quit, not right now. I admit. I have no will power, a total weakling. I shouldn't have taken that sip. Dam me. I cannot take a misstep, then I go down the drain.

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