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World Diabetes Day 2010

Do you have your blue on? Good. Me too.

I've already given you a bunch of ideas how to celebrate this month. They apply to the day as well. Good news on that list: we made it to 100,000 views on the video so some kids who really need it will be getting insulin. Remember, though, insulin is not a cure. (Ginger thinks it's more like duct tape.)

The message at the very end of that video is the key thing for me. I think I have the "just keep trying" part down (I think the calluses on my fingers are proof of that), but I am pretty hard on myself that I don't do better, that my trying is often reacting instead of implementation of a scientific method and careful analysis.

The great irony of this is that yesterday I received my most recent lab work results (which were done lightning fast this time - I just gave my samples on Thursday and the results, with Dr. D's notes were in my mailbox on Saturday). The numbers are awesome. My A1c is the lowest I can remember (6.5)! I have normal Potassium. My kidneys are doing well. My Lipids are even at a point I think my endo won't even mention the possibility of statins this visit.

I want to feel like celebrating, but I don't. I look at the arrows going up and down on Shaun (my CGM) and can't shake the refrain of Wil's argument that the A1c lies. Am I doing better than I was? Yes! The more I pay attention, the better my numbers get but the worse I think I'm doing. If I could just pull down those spikes and eliminate (ha!) the lows limit the lows and pull down those spikes, then I could be happy with a 6.5 or maybe even see something at the lower end of the 6's. (I don't even dare to wish for something in the 5's.) When it comes to diabetes, I have a hard time imagining ever believing that I am (doing) enough. And this is where the battle for emotional health comes to a head. In order to be as physically healthy as I can be, must I sacrifice peace of mind? I have no answers for this question, but on this WDD, I thought sharing that struggle would be a good idea.

There is a more positive side to this struggle. I have been having trouble hanging onto an exercise habit. With the time change and yesterday's snowfall bringing my biking season to a definitive close, I am leaning on my gym membership to keep me from turning into a blob this winter. I am signed up for a program with my favorite personal trainer to help me out, but there's a lot of personal initiative required. And I'm not great at that when sleep seems like such a great idea. But those lipids numbers I mentioned? I think those might be just the added incentive I need. Because even when I don't get to the gym every day and even when lifting seems to spike my BG in incredibly frustrating ways, exercise is having a positive effect on my overall well-being. I can see that it is helping me push back all the nasty things that Diabetes tries to bring with it to the party in my body (and isn't actually having a horrid effect on my A1c like I suspected). So this piece is the part that helps me believe that even if I don't do it perfectly or right or enough, it does make a difference.

One last rambling thought to close out my life with the bigD today post.... There are PWDs who feel that the organizations seeking our money to support finding a cure ought to instead focus on helping us live with our disease. There are other PWDs who think all the focus should be on a cure. I fall in neither of these camps. I believe that there have been incredible steps made toward finding a cure and I want to help the researchers get all the way there. But for 20 years I've heard that the cure is 10 years away. Whether two, 10 or 50, until it is found we have to live like it will never come so that we can live long, healthy, happy lives so I also support the organizations that help us get through our days and I am supremely grateful for the Diabetes Online Community. I am lucky to have George's (and my) favorite diabetic  on the Pancremaniacs. Spending time with people who get what you're up against is hugely helpful, whether in person or online. So if you're reading this and feeling alone in your decision to keep trying, let us know. We are here for each other and you are not alone.

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