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One Year On...

I don't know how to decribe my feelings today, i really don't. a year ago today, one of the worst things in my life happened. I fell into the most lethal thing i have ever known for the first time in two or three years - Diabetic Ketoacidosis. It's awful, because i remember every single detail of it all. My sugar was 16 (+1 ketones) and had to come out of class, i took a shot and went to lay down and sleep in the medical room, somewhere calm and peaceful. i had a conversation with the diabetic nurse on the phone, got a temp basal going and layed down & put my headphones in. Suddenly, my head of year and student development officer come bursting through the door telling me not to sleep, otherwise i would have fell into a coma. i wasn't feeling Very sick, ill, but definitely not sick. It was about half an hour later and they told me to check again, even with the shot i was 23 with (+2.5) ketones, not good. They left me for five minutes, and i could here and conversation going on outside. She had shut the door, so i didn't here, but it made no difference. My worst fear was coming, they were insisting they called an ambulance. i waited for it, she walked back in, sat on the bed next to me and looked me straight in the eyes... 'holly, i know you don't want this m'lovely, and i don't either, but you don't look very well at all, very ill, i'm gonna have to call an ambulance, something needs to happen'. a tear shed down my face. 'okay', i thought, 'i'm a lot stronger than this, i've been through a lot worse, and it could be worse, you could have that awful stomach pain you get with ketones, you could be not breathing properly, compose yourself girl', but i couldn't keep it together. They moved me into reception ready for the paramedics when they arrived. She dialled 999 and said 'i've got a 15 or 16 year old diabetic girl, her blood sugars 23, she has ketones, she doesn't look good, come to [school name] at the front entrace'. God, i even remember the stares i got when the paramedics did arrive. girls at reception giving me wierd looks as if to say 'you haven't fainted, you're not on the floor, what's wrong'. Of course they weren't gonna bring in a bloody stretcher just for DKA. my balance was a little off, but i could still have independance in walking.

a lot stemed from that one day, and i mean A LOT. i became very self-centred and didn't realise it. i was so on edge about being admitted to hospital i didn't care about friends anymore to be honest. i was slowly losing them and i couldn't do anything about it. i was losing my mind if i'm honest. at lunchtime, i would pace up and down the corridor not knowing what to do. it just so happened that the same student development officer came and done our register one morning. i caught her and asked to talk at lunch, she insisted i spoke to her there and then. fair enough, she obiously knew something was wrong. we snuck into the dt cupboard and i spilled. everything. she was suprised that i was feeling so much negativity. the thing that made it worse was, that it was the day before i had to visit the clinic. she phoned them up and asked them to speak to me when i was there. she said she couldn't be of much help with getting me through it, but there was things she could do to make things more comfortable for me. she let me have days off, take time out, and even gave me tissues when i needed them. i admit, i put her through a lot of crap back then, and i said sorry all of the time, she wouldn't accept my apologies, she said this was her job, that she deals with a lot worse people on a daily basis.

I did get worse, i admit that. i remember a meeting was set up with the PDSN at school and it carried on for about two hours. i was called outta class, lead the PDSN to the office in silence and it all began from there. the student development officer even admitted to me that 'i worry about you when i go home at night holly, i know you're not sitting there talking to anyone about it, so i wonder what the hell you're going through it'. i'd been refusing counselling for months on end anyway, and was offered it again, i made a firm refusal on that. Even from then it got worse a little more each day. i remember at one point, i was going to school, taking the pump off when i got to school, throwing it forcefully into my locker and having NO insulin for the whole day. i remember even running down the corridor with it once. i was out of control. i admitted what i was doing, and my mother was informed of EVERYTHING. she hadn't been told, as it's the student development officers job to keep thing private, especially if you ask them too, and she said she didn't have to tell my mum unless something serious happened or she found a reason too. well, she finally had it.

well, everything did get better, it took until exam season though. i found my feet again, everything started levelling out and on the last day of school i took my student development officer and head of year, giftbags with chocolates and flowers in and wrote them thankyou cards. i wish i still had the picture, but there was literally no space left in the card when i finished saying my thankyous. i took one to my student development officer first and she was amazed. she wasn't expecting it and she gave me a hugeeee hug! i told her that she should leave the card reading until i had left and we had a massive 'don't make me cry, no, don't make me cry' moment and then i had to go. i couldn't find my head of year, so left it on her desk. she came and thanked me and said she was leaving the card until she had a brandy at home that night ;)

well, what're things like now, after that awful year? a hell of a lot better. i love life now, i've found my feet and place in the world nearly. i never had to see a counsellor, although i have my doubts as whether i'll be able to cope without one when i leave school. my friends accepted me again, because they wanted to, not because they were forced too. i have a new student development officer now, as i'm in sixth form. i haven't opened up about diabetes in a very very long time if i'm honest, not since may '10 at the very least. i don't get upset like i used to, but i'm sure there will be days when i do feel like that in the future. i've spoken to my form tutor and NEW student development officer about emotional times and they 'kind of' understand. you're expected to have a lot more freedom of things when you're sixth form, so i get scared about not having anyone sometimes. as for my old student development officer, she's still around, she's still there, she said her doors always open, she promised. but things aren't the same, but are they ever in this life? I miss the security i used to have with her around. i'd feel safe if she still was my development officer, just knowing that there's someone there if i ever do fall again. i've spoken to her a few times this year. she said i've changed, for the better and that i'm not the same 'fragile' girl i was last year, she said i seem a lot stronger. and i know this is soppy, but everything i do now, is partly to make her proud. i make sure i'm smiling and happy when she's around, as she said to me last year, she'd love to see me smiling again one day and it all will get better. she helped me through so much, it's safe to say she saved me from doing some dangerous things last year and i don't think she will ever ever know how thankful i am for that, NEVER EVER. she doesn't realise that she talked me out of a lot of things, things that are too dark and awful to even mention. one day, i'd like to thank her in some way, like people do in album booklets and at the start of books, i'm not sure how yet, but i am working on it. i will one day, and i hope that when i leave school, i'll meet her again another day. this is all soppy, but very very true. i am one happy girl, i'm finally doing the things that i said i'd never do again, one of them going to concerts with my best friend. i have a lot to thank my best friend for, she's amazinggg! she came back to me willingly, when i needed her most, but she thought we needed space. she's always there for a shoulder to cry on now, teasing each other, hugging each other, loving everyday as if it's our last is probably the best ever description. don't ever give up on your friends in the real world, life changes so rapidly when you're growing up, that you may lose them through things that can't be helped and you can't carry on with your life knowing that you left regrets and hurt behind with those people. The people you grow up with are special people, they make you who you are, you will never find anything else like friendship, especially when it's real and raw like mine are now. i've never know such absurdatly in my life, knowing that people genuinley love me for who i am, no matter what, them making me who i am, me making them who they are. those are the special people, hold onto the good times and don't hold onto the things that you will never ever be able to let go of and change.

lately, on twitter, you probably see a small majority of my tweets referring to my connection with taylor swift's back to december, and here's where i reveal the link. it's never been some kind of well kept secret, people know it's a favourite song of mine, people would never think this would be the reason or would want to make the connection. back to december is meant to be a love song in the form of an apology. to me, it's just an apology to someone very close to my heart who made a difference. my pumping started in december, and if i could, that's where i would make my do-over. i beat myself up everyday for this, and it will be the one thing i will never ever forgive myself for, and i've been brave enough to actually let that out to someone this week, whether it was a good idea, i don't know.if i could walk in to that person right now, i'd repeat most of those lyrics to them. i also relate a lot of michael bubles 'end of may'. all of the heartbreak and saying sorry ended in may, and the missing them started.

"I'm so glad you made time to see me How's life, tell me how's your family I haven't seen them in a while You've been good, busier than ever We small talk, work and the weather Your guard is up and I know why  (this actually happened to us a few months back)

'Cause the last time you saw me 'Twas still burned in the back of your mind You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride, Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night And I go back to December all the time It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping Staying up playing back myself leaving When your birthday passed and I didn't call And I think about summer, all the beautiful times I watched you laughing from the passenger side and Realized I loved you in the fall And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride, Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night And I'd go back to December all the time It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right And how you held me in your arms that September night, The first time you ever saw me cry (i only ever cried once in front of this person) Maybe this is wishful thinking Probably mindless dreaming If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't So if the chain is on your door, I understand, (very true, i know their door is open, but we have to move on with life and i can't interfer with theirs as much as i did, they're busy, so if they ever are too busy to see me, i'll understand) But this is me swallowing my pride, Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night And I'd go back to December It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and I go back to December all the time."

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