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duckfiabetes moment!

i have this insulin pump to thank for a lot of things this past year. it's given me freedom and better control of my diabetes, and in turn has lessened the symptoms of neuropathy i was experiencing in my feet towards the start of the 2009. it comes and goes sometimes, but rarely once a month now. it also made me realise that i have to start living for me and not my diabetes, i have to start looking after diabetes otherwise the life that i love so much won't last much longer, not ever seven stays in hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis taught me that much, not even when i was intensive care fighting for my life, not knowing where i was or what the hell was happening. it's taught me a lot and i'm glad that the nurses took my plea into consideration and let me have one, i am truly grateful for that.

i was thinking after one clinic sessions last year, when i'd stepped out of the hospital, the doctor had just told me that my hba1c had come to an all time low, and slowly but surely, i was dropping a bit of weight, i was thinking that there must be some kind of negative side to this. and here i am, on a cold december night, realising that there is a negative aspect to pumping & reinging in good control. there most certainly is...

since my basals starting settling in nicely, and my average were decreasing, more and more my weight was creeping up. i must admit i didn't notice it at first, but as i stepped on the scales at clinic i realised what was happening. i've gained weight before, when i first entered my teenage years as you do, but never through this. my control and constant hba1c's in the 9's and constant insulin starvation & DKA moments had led my weight steadily along, slightly overweight, but who isn't at some point in there teen years. there was a sudden moment of realisation about a month back, that the only reason i had started to lose weight at the beginning of pumping was because i was constantly high for about two months, whilst battling through to get the right basals, and therefore the ketones that came with highs were letting me shed the lbs. but slowly but surely, here i am, with more weight than i have ever had, so desperate that i've even brought an exercise bike. i've just realised what a negative post this is, but i don't feel pretty and haven't for a long time because of all of this, but i'm determined i will eventually lose the weight that i've put on, and although i've never been the normal weight i've meant to be (before diagnosis i was severly overweight, then i was severly underweight because of diabetes, i gained enough for about a year after starting on insulin with really good control since diagnosis, but ever since then, i haven't cared, its been up and down constantly, but now i really do care and i wanna be the weight i'm supposed to be), which is meant to be around 10st i've worked out. that's a long way off, i can tell you now. i'm not gonna announce my weight over the internet, i'm ashamed, but people don't believe how heavy i am when i tell them, but i'm gonna do it for my own health. it's just diabetes for you. it's sods law that when you gain one positive aspect of diabetes, another negative comes running along. i also need to cut out all the crap i've been eating lately, i've got an uncanny craving for chocolate, bearing in mind i'm not a sweet-toothed person. my big problem has always been crisps and i have managed to give them up before, for about 3 months, so i know i have the willpower, and then nighttime eating, which i gave up along with crisps. i know i can do it, but the exercise is the hardest for me to do. i know that should be laughed at, but up until a year ago i did four hours of karate a week + frequent whole training days at the weekends, but the pump gave me so much crap that i gave it up. i'd love to go back, but to be honest, i found it a chore in the end, although i enjoyed knowing i could get new belts every two months or so, working towards something, but i hate being pushed into things (which happens all of the time when you practise martial arts, believe me, it's not at all easy) and it's a small practise venue with more and more people joining, which means more and more people watching you practise when you want to be in your own little world. i don't enjoy group sports! and it also became very bitchy, and i used it as a place to clear my mind of stress and bitchy things that were said in and out of school, i didn't need that there, but enough about excuses, i know i need to do it and my main goal is to lose weight, but also get a steady balance of how much along with revision and work and homelife and sociallife.

so followers, what's your new years resolution? any unusual ones out there this year? 

byeeeeeeee :)

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