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Will It Ever Be Enough?

There are times when I look up from whatever problem situation I’m dealing with because of this disease and wonder, Is it ever going to be enough? Am I ever going to win an upper hand? The answer is always no. And it always will be.

That’s a hard pill to swallow. You can try every conceivable strategy and not achieve better results. You can have a stretch of almost blissful glucose levels, change absolutely nothing, and in a flash step onto the roller coaster. That is the paradox of this disorder, as I imagine it is with every chronic condition: patterns are never guaranteed.

It’s downright frustrating and I cannot count the times I have wanted to throw in the towel, or, more aptly, test kit and pump. But we can’t. Another adage: There are no days off from diabetes. There should be. There should be times when we feel as if we’ve got it under control and all is as it should be, or at least as best as it can be.

I believe these days do occur, but I’m often too concerned about the next turn to appreciate the moment. That is one of the side effects of diligence. I try, I truly strive to grasp life when it is good, but the question is always whistling in the back of my mind.

So maybe I’m wrong and it is enough, because how can my actions ever fulfill the goal I’m seeking from them—a cure. This is not an ailment where such is possible. I need a new pancreas, and no amount of self-regulation is going to ever make up for that. I do the best I can, and that will have to be enough.

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